Mark’s commentary in italics.
My old friend, Mark, suggested I write a column for his fabulous newsletter, and of course, I Bitt. Mark and I have been friends for over 60 years (Mark: closer to 70, sadly), or “seasons” as I call it in my line of work (I’m a baseball writer). So, in anticipation of your question about what he was like as a kid, I can tell you that he has changed in only one discernible way. Then and now, the acerbic wit, the love of good music (Beatles, Motown, and the like), and a total disdain for stupidity (our shared attribute) remain the same. The one difference? As a kid, he never showed any particular interest in food. He seemed to eat all the same crap the rest of us ate (Mark: this is 100% true). He never really cared what the rest of us ate, either, as long as our mutual munchies were sated. I’m most grateful that he has remained funny, crotchety (Mark: 100% false), and selective about his friends as he has grown into the brilliant humanitarian who cares about the planet and its inhabitants.
Jean-Georges Vongerichten is this week’s guest on Food with Mark Bittman. Listen here!
In any case, enough about Bitt. On to my passion, baseball. I tried to come up with a baseball column that would interest a foodie audience, and I thought you might enjoy an all-food team. Players at each position whose names are shared with food. If you don’t like it, blame it on Mark. If you do like it, you can subscribe to my Substack, Billy-Ball (Mark: probably the best baseball Substack you can find). I have tried to mix in enough quality players to create a balanced diet. So, as the baker was fond of saying, “Batter up!” (Mark: if you don’t like this kind of humor, you should stop now).
First baseman – Jim Lemon
For 12 MLB seasons, this citrus delight played first in Cleveland, Washington, Minnesota, Philadelphia, and Chicago. After he finished his playing and managing career, he entered the restaurant business and became a co-owner of a grocery store (Mark: If this is true, it’s pretty funny. There was a guy named Bob Lemon, too…a pitcher for the Indians. But Bill obviously prefers Jim).
Second baseman – Cookie Rojas
Let’s get right into a dessert or snack with this five-time all-star. A cookie is good any time and any place, which is why it is appropriate that this Cookie is one of the few who played every position in his career, including pitcher. Before reaching the majors, his last minor league team was the Havana Sugar Kings. Sweet.
Third baseman – Pie Traynor (Mark: This is the kind of thing you read about when you were a kid. He played in the 20s!)
“As American as baseball and apple pie” is one of the country’s most iconic idioms, says the Merriam-Webster dictionary. While this Hall of Famer’s real first name was “Harold,” he was only known as “Pie” after acquiring his unusual nickname from his love of pies as a kid in Somerville, Massachusetts. He and his young friends would gather at a friend’s dad’s grocery store after games. When asked what he wanted to eat, Traynor always asked for a slice of pie. His friends called him “Pie Face,” ultimately shortened to Pie.
Shortstop – Bobby Wine
I could have chosen Ben McDonald or Dansby Swanson here, but I opted for Bobby Wine because you need something to drink on this team. Bobby was a “good field, no-hit” shortstop with a strong arm and a weak batting average. “Wino,” as he was called by teammates, almost always batted eighth. In 1967, shortstop Bobby Wine teamed with our second baseman, Cookie Rojas, to make, as the reporters called it, “The Plays of Wine and Rojas” (Mark: This is fantastic, no?), a takeoff of the popular 1962 film The Days of Wine and Roses, starring Jack Lemmon, a participant in my all-food/actor cast.
Outfielder – Jim Rice (Mark: I lived in Boston (Somerville, specifically, generally considered the worst town in America, at least by me) then, too, and loved those Sawx. Sadly by the time they won, all the good guys had left.)
When I lived in Boston, I was lucky enough to call this Hall of Famer a buddy. Jim played his entire career for the Boston Red Sox, was named the AL MVP in 1978, and made the All-Star team eight times. Members of the Boston press had a difficult relationship with Jim, who unfairly presented him as a surly and unfriendly player. I never found him that way. I just think sometimes he went against the grain.
Outfielder – Darryl Strawberry
Strawberries are one of my favorite summer fruits. When Daryl Strawberry was in his prime and healthy, he was one of my favorite ballplayers. He was named to eight All-Star teams and was on four World Series championship teams. Straw had several off-the-field problems, but when he was on the field, he was delicious to watch.
Outfielder – Mike Trout
Until he was beset with one injury after another (Mark: Really a shame because he could have been an all-time great), Mike Trout was a generational player. He was the Rookie of the Year, and an 11-time AL All-Star (twice named the All-Star Game MVP), three-time American League MVP, and nine-time AL Silver Slugger Award Winner, awarded to the best hitter at his position. When he retires, he will head to the Hall of Fame. Along the way, he might want to celebrate with Bitt’s Pan-Fried Almond Trout, featured in his classic cookbook Fish: The Complete Guide to Buying and Cooking, a streamlined, nutty take on traditional trout almondine. It replaces sliced almonds with a fine almond flour crust and pan-fries the fish to golden perfection (Mark: flattering!).
Catcher – Welington Castillo
Welington Castillo’s nickname is “Beef,” (Mark: So creative, those ball players.) which I’m sure comes as a surprise to none of you. Even I, who hasn’t had any meat in almost 50 years, am aware of Beef Wellington. However, if you are looking for a condiment on this team, you could go for a catcher named Pickles Dillhoefer, who played from 1917 to 1921, appropriately behind the plate.
Designated Hitters – Tim Salmon, Coco Crisp, or Chili Davis
Trust me, these were all good ballplayers who could round out your menu of players.
Tim was a Rookie of the Year and played in the majors for 14 seasons.
Crisp’s full name is Covelli Loyce Crisp; he was first nicknamed “Coco” by his sister in his youth. Interestingly, and unrelated, to my knowledge, Covelli Enterprises operates nearly 300 Panera Bread bakery-cafes spanning eight states.
The Jamaican-born Davis was given the name Charles at birth and the nickname of Chili when he was 12. “My dad gave me a haircut…and it wasn’t a very good one. When I went out of the house, my friends got on my case and said it looked like someone put a chili bowl over my head and cut around it.”
Starting Pitchers – Jim “Catfish” Hunter, Noodles Hahn, Pretzels Getzien, Spud Chandler, Art Herring (Mark: Not that any of us has heard of any of these guys except Hunter, but it’s a pretty hilarious list.)
Catfish Hunter is a Hall of Fame pitcher who became so well known by his nickname that his real first name, Jim, became his nickname.
Noodles was a star pitcher at the turn of the 20th century. Hanes claimed he had no idea as to how he got the nickname, but numerous friends spoke of his mother’s homemade noodle soup that Hahn would bring to his father at work.
Spurgeon Ferdinand Chandler was Spud’s full name. He preferred to be called Spud rather than Spurge, a decision that I fully back.
I don’t believe that Mr. Herring requires an explanation as to his inclusion on this team.
Relief Pitchers – Goose Gossage and Dan Quisenberry
Hall of Fame closer Rich “Goose” Gossage was a relief pitcher who once went a whole season allowing only four earned runs (in 32 games). While Goose became famous pitching for the Yankees, he also pitched for the Padres, owned by the Kroc family, who were the owners of McDonald’s. After Ray died, his wife, Joan, took over ownership and banned beer in the Padres clubhouse. Goose, famously ornery and blunt, said in response, “She is poisoning the world with her hamburgers, and we can’t even get a lousy beer.”
In the 1980s, Quiz was the top reliever in the game. Now, I don’t think there actually is a quisenberry, but if there were, I’m sure I would like it because I really liked Dan. Quisenberry was once asked what he liked most about baseball, and he replied, “There’s no homework.” (Mark: He was 47 at the time) How can you not love a guy like that?
Manager – Dusty Baker
That’s an obvious choice.
General Manager – Billy Beane
Another obvious choice. In the movie “Moneyball,” Beane was played by Brad Pitt (who does not have the nickname “Barbecue”).
Announcers – Gary Cohen and David Cone
That’s a scoop.
And that’s my team.
There always seems to be a connection between baseball and food. As the song goes, “Buy me some peanuts and Crackerjacks.” And there are Dodger Dogs sold at the ballpark in Los Angeles and Fenway Franks eaten in Boston. There are minor league teams such as the Modesto Nuts and the Montgomery Biscuits. These days, fans are delighted by the Savannah Bananas, but I’ll save some of that silliness for another column, if I’m invited back.
I leave you with the words of Humphrey Bogart (not to be confused with Xander Bogaerts of the San Diego Padres), who said, “A hot dog at the ballgame beats roast beef at the Ritz.” (Mark: Also roast beef at the ballgame beats a hot dog at the Ritz.)
Bill Chuck (lovingly known as Billy-Ball) can be found at billchuck.substack.com.
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